Kids Struggling to get Reservation in School Lunchline Go Hungry

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BANGOR, ME—Student complaints of long lunch lines have led Bangor High to implement a new reservations system. However, this system comes with its own repercussions. Those unfamiliar with the proprietary online reservation system developed just for Bangor High find themselves without a reserved seat and, thus, without food. 

“The choice to completely cut funding for all extracurriculars in order to expedite the arduous process of obtaining food for these poor kids was a tough call, although necessary,” said recently appointed Bangor head of food, and former Tyson Foods CEO, Donnie D. King.

Students have complained about the accessibility of the new reservation app, one claiming, “I had to pay $19.99 for it, and I still haven’t gotten a reservation.” Some are even questioning whether the app works or if it’s just another Donnie D. King scam to get these kids out of food and money. 

Donnie D. King responded to such accusations.

“The $19.99 payments are monthly, which would explain the lack of reservation for the broke student, and frankly those with such minimal net worths, shouldn’t be eating at my establishment in the first place.”

Despite his refutation of these claims, Mr. King hasn’t been seen at the school for several days, with no students receiving refunds for any of their paid reservations. UNICEF relief teams have set up a clinic in the school gym to dish out food aid to students while the crisis persists.